Ms. Conception

Like alcoholics and chronic gamblers, we went around the room beginning with a brown haired, clear eyed, and slightly chubby woman.

“I’m thirty-seven,” she said.

Smarter than I am, I thought. At least she’s younger.

“I broke off my engagement to a man I love because I know he does not want to have children. I am certain I do, and I will do it, on my own or not. I’m here because I want to find other women in the same situation, women who have had to let someone go over this issue and who have moved on,” she said.

Beside her sat another woman, taller and thinner and older and curly haired. She cried immediately.

“I have also met the man I love, but he is in his sixties, the father of several grown children and a teenage son. He finds it barely tolerable, raising his son at this age. He does not want any more kids. For me, I am dealing with an impossible choice. I either abandon the man I love or the possibility of a child. I also worry about the prospect of losing him some time in the future, since he’s older than me, and then being left with nothing.”

“I know I cannot get pregnant,” said a woman dressed in modified country western, complete with stitched red cowboy boots. “I’m struggling to accept it, investigating adoption. But I can’t quite embrace the adoption thing. I think it’s because I’m still holding out hope.” “What are you hoping for?” the group leader asked. “A miraculous birth and the man of my dreams.”

Next came that very striking woman who filled the last chair. She was fidgeting, looking down. She quivered. Her voice wavered.

“I’m a lawyer,” she said. That explained the suit and the briefcase. “I’m full of internal conflicts. I’m not prepared to speak.” She looked up. I don’t know if it was her beauty, but something made her seem so full of potential, despite being so distraught, as though she was here against her will. She kept her discomfort in check by looking down. I wanted to shake her and tell her she could do it, whatever it was. Then I got it. I realized she was already pregnant. But she didn’t love the father. She was trying to decide what to do.